Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Actions speak louder than pants.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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