i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
