finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
