We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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