I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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