Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
