Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
