So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
