I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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