hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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