Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
