I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
