So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
