is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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