I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
