God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
