You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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