life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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