we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
