It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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