I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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