My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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