It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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