We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
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If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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