She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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