i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
