either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
