Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
