My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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