I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
