My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
