Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
