I'm so fucking centered right now
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
