Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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