dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial