can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
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At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
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I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.