I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ