I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.