wakey wakey hands off snakey
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
