If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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