I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
