im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We had sex on a dog bed..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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