why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
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He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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