I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
