True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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