I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
