haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
