I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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