Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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