i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
