I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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