i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
