and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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