My friends, they love my intelligence
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
