My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
