Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
