you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
