Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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