So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
