So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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